I’m not one to support die-hard nationalism. Having too much pride in your country can make you forget about the importance of the rest of the world (you should still forget Antarctica and Gabon). The last thing we want to do at Hella Grip is alienate our international brothers and sisters and slothsters. So please forgive me when I say that I couldn’t help but chant “USA! USA! USA!” when opening the packages of our new Hella Grip design. What we’ve got for you is a sheet of grip that’s both wider and longer than our Hella Classic grip, for those who enjoy shaping the grip exactly to your object’s dimension. We also chose to stamp the sheet with our small OG Sloth logo, for those who like to see more of the natural grip surface. BUT, my favorite aspect of the new design, and the reason for my little spout of patriotism, is that you have the option of buying the sloth logo in the always-beautifully-classic Radical-Red, Wicked-White or Bodacious-Blue. We’ve even developed matching beverage koozies (I prefer to use my koozie for those 40oz’s of freedom…doesn’t get more American than that).
Regardless of the U.S.A-influenced design on our latest batch of Hella Grip, I must reiterate that we never want to alienate anyone outside this lovely, fast-food-filled fun zone. SO, here’s a list of countries where purchasing the Red-White-Blue package will also make sense for you, given your nation’s flag colors:
(in alphabetical order)
Australia (Definitely will help sales)
Cambodia (They shred hard)
Chile (I prefer beef stew)
Costa Rica (HOME OF THE SLOTH!!!)
Croatia (HOME OF…?)
Cuba (Hell Yea! Too bad for the embargo…try going through Canada)
Czech Republic (Check Republic)
Dominican Republic (Too many republics)
France (Also very good for sales)
Haiti (Don’t hate)
Iceland (Hella Grip space heaters coming soon)
Laos (I hate lice)
Liberia (Sounds like a nation of books)
New Zealand (Not so new now, are you?)
The Netherlands (weed)
North Korea (Hell Yea! Please don’t kill us)
Panama (we’re just passing through…get it)
Paraguay (you’re a gay)
The Republic of China (stop cheating)
Russia (Gotta step up your game…no disrespect)
Samoa (Can I have samoa tea please?)
Serbia (you guys are all evil in our movies)
Slovakia (you’re evil in our movies too)
Slovenia (you’re really evil in our movies)
South Korea (you’re are homies…technically)
The United Kingdom (Hey, you’re united too?…Badass!)
This is the raw footage we pulled from for Big Ron’s portions of Hella Stoked & Hella Broke, which you can watch here.
A RECAP BY THE HOMIE MCNAUGHTON: If there’s one perfectly acceptable reason to attend the San Diego Comp next year, it’s because this lovely jerk said so. Why do I say to thee?: It’s the perfect comp for the homies who care less about the actual competing, and more about visiting with fellow shredders and bed-wetters whom you haven’t seen since Lance Armstrong was considered a hero [Watch out Dakota. Word is that you’ve been hittin’ up that EPO on the side]. It’s also a legit venue for checking out new-&-improved product, especially if you’re interested in seeing the new batch of Hella Grip product. That’s correct; if you didn’t already hear through the grapevine, Hella Grip was amongst the elite booth-squatters this year [Not to be confused with Elyts; no disrespect; Elyts homies were there too…gettin’ the pre-game party started…like always]. Several other crews were reppin’ with the booths as well: Proto, Tilt, Fuzion, AO, Freestyle Depot, and even Boxes Limited [aka “The LTD”]. My favorite booth was definitely the Scooter Resource booth. It was such a badass booth that they didn’t even put any people or product in it. It purely served as a safe haven for all the folks who wanted to escape the rain, which is a perfect metaphor for what Scooter Resource is all about: A shelter for those in need [Where the hell were they during Hurricane Katrina?].
Now that you know what you’ve missed, I’ll give you a moment to wipe away the tears of hindsight for skipping out on this year’s comp…………Don’t be too sad now. The deluge of salty tears is nothing in comparison to the cursed rain that began showering our jungle-themed oasis in the late afternoon, right before the super sweet pros could begin demonstrating their worth to the audience and their sponsors. Everyone had to pack it in early, and the comp was delayed to the following day [also rainy], but at least there was enough time learn a thing or two. I learned that people love the new Hella Grip beer koozies…that’s about it.
A RECAP BY THE HOMIE HAAG: San Diego, what a surreal experience, one of ages certainly. My god, hundreds of people, hotel rooms, the ymca skatepark, this other skatepark, attractive girls, attractive mothers, legal drugs, illicit drugs, prescription drugs, and different kinds of scooters and different kinds of people on them. What a time, honestly. I had the opportunity, a first in my experience, to assist the operations of the SD7 competition, as a judge. Picture me on the top observation area, watching these children of the beginner division successfully throwing down maneuvers I have never considered trying or have never accomplished ever in my life. Those children fucking shred. Their helmets, put my mind into quandary, trying to determine if I want to see them fall down on the ground or if actually I want to see them succeed, difficult to say, was never apart of my mission or personal goals riding only skateparks. Whatever, they are more skilled than me, life moves along, GIVE THEM THE SKATEPARK. As for me, I will attempt to remain in the streets, bleeding, mutilating, cursing inanimate objects, cursing god, cursing lucifer, cursing life, for all the agony and misery I feel at any given time. I love my brothers and sisters in skateboarding, scootering, snowboarding, metal, the Italian community, and in general life. I love my family and girl friend to the death. What all this backstory translates to, is this. San Diego, brought me to the forefront of scootering, the current status of the sport. What I saw I was not happy to see. People conforming to a certain context, attire, style, image, mentality, swagger, behavior, and language. I hella know who I am, who my brothers in this sport are. My name is Andrew Ferrari-Haag and will have you know I am blessed to have any association with Hella Grip and the hella grip homies, I love you all until my demise on earth. Noi siamo fratelli. Noi siamo forti. Voglio uccidere le strade con i miei fratelli. METAL.